Category: Abandon

2022 May 1

  1. I don’t have a word for these things I made, I don’t make them anymore, I found them rummaging the archives of another dead blog for typed words
  2. When I made the self-portraits that I quit making a year ago I had already stopped writing or typing word on the thing I had made then quit making self-portraits three or four years later
  3. I quit writing or typing on made things when the made thing became more important to me than the written or typed thing, I quit making self-portraits when I liked making self-portraits more than writing or typing and quit writing when I liked typing more than writing so I don’t need daily decipher yesterday’s scribble
  4. My second time through Joy Williams’ *Harrow,* dig this sentence: “The land was bright with raging fires ringed with sportsman shooting the crazed creatures trying to escape the flames”
  5. I believe I can bat away this uh-oh a toothache coming familiar remembering twinge laugh
  6. Spinning the fuck-it compost bin, fat tubes of primary colors in a shoebox in my desk
  7. If I make things again I permit myself to write again and not necessarily just making *then* writing
  8. I always spiral in and out but need just once not spiral up as I spiraled down

2022 April 10

*******
Kensington to Frederick to Hagerstown to Hancock to Breezewood to Toledo to Ann Arbor to JacksonI divided my backpack to bring twice as much stuff including books I will not read and pens I will not useI just received Jonathan Crary’s *Scorched Earth,* it’s his previous 24/7 capitalism theory on Are You Paying Attention!do I need someone w proper academic scaffolding referring back to names I haven’t thought of since grad schoolto confirm our species as fucked up as I’ve fucking yodeled since the last time you told me to shut the fuck up?
*******

2022 April 5

Team leaves stain like creed
on inner-eyelids chiming
in vulnerable uh-ohs
smoked in campfire poison
I saw the hat and wanted
to buy it No, I haven’t flarted
every enemy atrocity
enemy defined by creed
and who I rooted for when seven
Is there a definitive bible
on the English verb *to be*
as in, *to be in the upperdeck
of Memorial Stadium
watching the thunderstorm
cross Greenmount before
electrocution by choice*
Soon I won’t be able to tell
you three times we are being
reprogrammed

2022 March 24

  1. Can’t stop thinking about dinner Saturday night past and my interaction with my not-blood sister-in-law a poster child for upperest middle-class privileged Democrat
  2. – I wrote that part Wednesday morning I’m typing now Wednesday night – when I typed in the morning I didn’t think about N-B S-I-L weirdass mention of Madelyn Albright as a personal hero in our conversations, her smacked expression when I called Albright the war criminal she is and now (by grace of Blessed Serendipity) was (for this poem’s sake) (worth it)
  3. I said as a peace offering, you cannot be a United States Secretary of State and not be a war criminal, but that didn’t help
  4. I saw Albright on campus within the past two months, and the loyalty she inspired in her colleagues and students tells you all you need to know about the curriculum of this Shitlord World Domination Wargame Training Facility, wait til you meet the grad students and faculty of government, business, and economics
  5. I did not say anything when N-B S-I-L (I do have a blood sister-in-law, she’s nice, she and L make each other laugh) tried to Hillary-bait me, I was busy not biting on brother-in-laws baiting me with Steve Miller Band songs
  6. Hilltop killed its mask mandate, don’t think it’s related to Madelyn Albright’s death, just asking, I wear my mask for people who want me to wear my mask as well as me
  7. half Hilltop happily unmasked, seeing the lower half of a face I’ve seen half hidden for two year I think fuck
  8. Do I look like an almost but not me to you too? do you forget my name for a second when you see my mouth for the first time in two years?
  9. This is true, the copy-pasting magic of wordpress over, new bloggerfart, what? deffjump is taken?

2022 March 21

My let’s stay in touch with all past workers except Alexa now on them next
Let me make it on me please. I could be their dad, played one at work
My daughter’s birthday today, she moved away too
The minute you don’t work there you never worked there ever
An app called Classmates badgers me my 45th GHS reunion
approaching rapidly, see who’s RSVPeed
I’d not recognize the names of most, not greet the names I know
I choose not to give them $29.95 to see if I’m right

2022 March 16

No one besides those that like
to be kind will kind any of the songs
I tweeted nor bump the album’s 40th
notice. I’ve been reading Carl
Phillips, this path out of haikus
does not preclude new haikus,
my not tapping knuckles and knuckle
valleys for thirty-one day months

I ask you to give the album a listen
if it doesn’t change your world I won’t
brain you with a garden shovel, I daydream
of braining certain people but so far
no one in real life, fart. I am programmed
to daydream I want to brain certain
people with a garden shovel so I don’t
brain anyone with any say over my life

2022 March 15

Me in a Robert Serra at Glenstone, a rich fuck’s private art collection as laundromat but free, just need a reservation, usually need to make months in advance, it was Sunday morning an hour short because of clocks and the wind chill factor in the lows teens I was told on the eights so I what the fuck tried and got us in at 10AM, only slot open, Saul to Parkwood to Knowles turns to Strathmore to Rockville Pike to Tuckerman to Falls to Glen (the bridge over Watts Branch where Glen, South Glen, and Glen Mills meet still magic) to there
Humanity cannot outgrow its death drive!
Waltzing towards Armageddon
This is a fossil-fuel war
The epidemic of covid complacency
Death of a political animal
Not only the first museum we visited since plague and then not-plague plague, the only shitlord showoff laundromat I’ve ever visited that *didn’t* charge me for the privilege of admiring shitlord’s collection
Low pay, no advancement opportunities
⤋In which I jinx my reading of Wings⤋
Henry James reviews America upon his return from self-exile
I read Ohle’s *Motorman* and loved and ordered the next Mordenke novel but weirdest the sherbet I thought between the two *another* attempt at Henry James, so here I am jinxing not only the having fun! read of Wings of the Dove I am jinxing my reading of the next Mordenke of Ohle
Shitlord loyal to their rubes, MLB edition
Maggie’s weekly{ feuilleton }’s weekly
I will write about work here but for now I’m burying it in grids not because anyone who’d object reads but here is the Kids in the Hall allusion
The cats and dogs of Istanbul
Lynn EmanuelCovering Ishiguro

2022 March 13

Hope for and hope not
I can’t help with that
academic scaffolding
My new five seven
five elephant note haiku
five seven five jug
five font bucks a month
Locals debate whether shock
wave or vaporize
Don’t stop typing to grid this
Don’t stop to digress elsewhere
Don’t stop to rewrite
but stop to reread
tomorrow Stop worrying
annihilation
just hope that it’s quick
Academic scaffolding:
schtick death to this grid

2022 March 1

I’d be one of the first killed in a nuclear exchange with Russia
I work two miles from the White House
live four miles outside DCwithin two miles of Walter Reed and NIH
For 58 years I’ve lived within fifteen miles of DC
grew up during the Cold War
never fretted nuclear annihilation once
Do I think the stub-fingered ickiest shitlord sociopath
(at *this* given moment in time in shitlord narrative)
would destroy the world rather than lose everything while getting Gaddafi-ed
Hillary laughing?
NobutIconfessIspentafret

2022 February 24

OfcourseGeorgeismy
favoritehe’smostpeopleI
like’sfavoritewe’reGeorge
Ukrainenuclear
JohnvPaulradiation
fuckdyingfromthat

but the grid reminds me (a) I did leave the prebepod voluntarily at least 50/50 I was not kicked out and was represented at my wedding by people I cho(o)se to hang with (b) David Phillips the one break-up I don’t remember (Annie Hawk, laugh) cleanly but that was when we were all at our worse and best acid-wise

but was reminded by latest grid to pay MORE ATTENTION TO THE UP AND DOWN re otherDavid, neither Dave, barklaughingly, every dave I’ve met

True won’t affect who doesn’t read but now that I’ve granted myself privilege to not post when I don’t want to I have no reason to not spend the time honing the post, subtler than folding the towels

2022 February 21

  • Posted yammeryum today, fuck it in celebration of my finding my lost hat
  • Posted because I had to post it to not type about not posting it night after night
  • Posted despite my redacting the juicy parts not for art but for I won’t tell you the juicy parts
  • but my posted heavily-redaction version itself a major development, let me not explain
  • Posted to reduce myself not in stature but better broth
  • Posted so editing first draft live and draft never dead though always abandoned
  • Posted, timestamped, taint-logged regardless of uselessness of content

2022 February 18

Do I abandon simplenote for evernote, the free version? It does have the back button I keep fucking up in simplenote and need, before I consider I need copy paste into blooger, the reason google docs is a fail

First cut and paste seemed fine, ok, will give this a try, I can simplenote this with the exception of having a back button

So here it is in the chromebook, I am making the migration for at least a trial, I will keep it as simple as possible but use the few tools I know how that are useful that simplenote didn’t have as well as the undo a fuckup button, I have no need at this post to tag and merge and sort and shit

Having posted today, and lost my haiku, and suddenly poetry not reading for me at all, all seems pretentious, I have nothing to write at this minute, sometimes that changes

I abandoned simplenote for evernote like I abandon everything except my wife and daughter and father and brothers and friends and motherfucking job I honestly wish I *could* abandon, my alzheimer’s retirement funds 80% invested in Ponzy Inc stocks, and my favorite bands and rigid political positions and related obsession with uniforms and my cats, I’d never abandon my cats (though we talk of fewer cats (when by natural attrition) of getting a dog, we really want a dog) and 95% all of my dogma-n, but I feel no disloyalty to simplenote notable only that plus or minus good about me this is yay! new

I’ve tried abandoning explaining what I just said just after I say it, by far the greatest effort to change my explaining why I do things habit, and I haven’t tried much less abandoned monitoring digital bumps how much you love me though I *have* noticed I check much less often than once but tack that up to my too scrambled mind, I can remember a Dead concert in Syracuse University’s Carrier Dome in eighties but what did you say a minute ago more than indifference, I couldn’t abandon sideways playing sideways my whole life and was taught to not be sideways cowardice, pick a fucking uniform and root

Laugh, copy/pasting testing in wordpress, let me explain why I hesitate to experiment on pOj in wordpresstan

2022 February 12


When south on Senena Bluff Trail after the abandoned 1930’s steel plow but before the bluffs over Seneca a new installation, a hippo I found forgotten in the smallest, most out of the way I never look pocket in my backpack Look for it today eye level on the left side of the trail while heading south from the parking lot off Montivideo, I am trying to figure out what I want to do here, some still unseen something someday

From the best of Seneca Bluff Trail’s bluffs over Seneca Creek, an eye-level of winter woods, I’d have to teach myself fucking wordpress just to post the level just above stupid and format not the issue and not necessarily content the issue my welcoming committee, 7 of 10 times home

2022 February 8

investigate resonancefm radio in office Tuesday
sent an ambient show to Claire and confessed again I suck as correspondent
texted back by Claire laugh just more our shared genes
set up work simplenote abandoning reliance on memory like I abandoned tablets
old man catches shit kernels in digital colander
analog shit calendar effort for work fuck that
will forget to call daughter and she him

2022 January 29

It takes a touch of madness to take seriously the possibility that your entire society is insane
Your suicidal thoughts and shitlord profits
aRe yOu in the mARKEt fOr a uSEd cIa tORTURe fACILITy in lITHUANIa?
Your prayers to White Jesus Cracker and shitlord profits
To be fair there is an app or one is in design for your weird faith too
If you murder two people in cold blood your gun will be punished!
The egregious lies Americans tell themselves
⬆On yesterday’s bridge collapse from 2018⬆
Shitlords: a how-to on how they shitlordmore here
Ukraine and U.S. War Propaganda
Abolition: notes on a normie shitstorm
Crackers are sore winners
Shitlords, motherfucking pigs, infrastructure
Walking DC from east to west
People don’t trust liars
Biggest riminalcay anggay in mericaay
Spotify is not a music company
{ feuilleton }’s weekend links
The sublime ironies of John Ashbery
On the practice of *personal criticism*
Turning stories upside-down
Another Will Oldham/Bill Callahan interview

2022 January 26

Robert Reich says Biden should nominate Obama to replace Breyer
but Villager consensus settled in ten minutes on Kamala Harris
both deliver on a Biden campaign promise to name a liberal
woman of color and allows Biden/Democrats to dump the anchor
Harris as vpotus is and reboot Biden’s 2022 midterm energy
Robert Reich the larpiest professional Democrat playing
progressive of the professional Democrats my friends tweet
derisively for unsatisfying laughs from fellow apostates. L tells me
Breyer’s ice cream crap now, not the Breyer’s of her youth (I don’t
like ice cream, I’m told it’s very good, try the jamocha shakes) I have
not yet seen anyone nominate Hillary to replace Harris though I did
see someone retweet a person nominating Hillary to scotus to piss
off crackers, you know who Fox’s target audience is when New
Gingrich says on Tucker that Republicans will take every single
congressperson on the January 6 commission and roast them to
death one at a time on national TV in a copper donkey with open
mouth out of which scream unanswered pleas for mercy before
anguished death brays, yes?
If true it would re
present a fun
damental shift of pow
er in the quad
rents’ mime’s incen
diary novel of my apo
stasy of meek out
rage at best pract
ices, never borrowed nev
er overdue Tab
lets ink watercol
or ruler now tree
knots abandoned

2022 January 7

My first job was delivering the Washington Post every morning, I had the Oakton-Woodland-Rolling perimeter, included Tulip and Hutton north and east of Woodland
second job at Mario’s Pizza on Summit across from elementary school I went to first grade (and met Willy Dayne, who, out of courtesy to you, I don’t remind you of the running down the cat in his green dodge dart on Ten Mile Creek Road everytime we hike Ten Mile Creek Trail which we do at least once a month, it’s the best trail in Moco)
third job was Asbury Methodist Home, an old folks harvesting factory in Gaithersburg that since has grown twenty fold, four excellent and distinct eighteen-hole disc-golf courses could be built on the campus
I worked six weeks in the Sorry, you’re-soon-to-be-dead building as a janitor
Sarek is *not* in the Sorry, you’re-soon-to-be-dead building but the building freaks the fuck out of me, reminds me why I quit, it paid better than any pizza joint or landscaper would pay me and offered hours that gave me evening and weekends free and the people I worked with were more often than not lovely and the boss was fair and funny and nice
Of course the physical distress of the patients horribly disturbing at times and yes what you imagine a janitor in a Sorry, you’re-soon-to-be-dead building often mops up this janitor mopped up but what was worse were the looks on the face of those aware enough to know what happened, the mortification, the humiliation, the despair they couldn’t will themselves to death
I quit to take a job at Arnolds Diner on Redland Road across from where now sits the big red Teachers Credit Union for hours Thursday and Friday nights and Saturdays until six for two dollars less an hour and am who I am typing this poem tonight because I did
The means exist to yoink Sarek out as soon as can be discovered, navigated, then implemented both at a get out of now but what about next level
SeatSix showed up tonight with dinner and the front desk refused entry and would and/or could not say why, though the place is three pestilential floors of contaminated human aerosol projectiles
I work at a mid-sized university and watch undergraduates flount masking rules and never felt worry, full-vaxxed and boosted and properly masked me
1/100th of the worry I get in that three-floored petrie dish
I have no idea if Sarek’s been swabbed, I assume he has but who knows
No one asked me for my vaxdox, my temp was 97.2 like it always is, I checked a box on the screen vouching for my vaxdox, I understand, help has enough with the dying without fighting the dyings’ un-vaxxed visits
I forget the order much less have a complete inventory in my head of jobs 4 through my current job, there were dozens, Roys Place of course on Diamond, we all worked there, a landscaping place that ran out of a room in the Holiday Hotel on Walnut Hill where now a storage facility squats, a place on Oakmont on the railroad tracks that made windows and door frames, that job in the short few weeks taught me enough about crackers to not been wrong about them since, Crown Books of course where I met Hamster and then Earthgirl, a photomat in a strip mall in Annapolis when Earthgirl and I lived in Deale
Willy Bayne got me a job at Highs, I made it to second key night manager, without that job I would not got the Crown job and Planet wouldn’t exist
Cookie Factory and Alpine Pantry in Lakeforest Mall
The only job I ever quit *not* because fuck this and fuck you the Sorry, you’re-soon-to-be-dead building job, I’ve felt guilty ever since

2021 December 20

A year ago today I posted the first grid, I typed last night
Transitioning from ink and tablet journal keeping ended my ink and tablet self-portraiting because why? that’s right, fuck me
some of those early grids hoowee and quoting from links like chum, chum, like you’ll click or beg-me bait when you won’t at basic bait
I miss writing in journals and still do on hikes when Earthgirl paints, but deciphering my handwriting and editing before comprehending when translating and typing into digital, unfuck me there, I could tap into simplenote on my phone on hike when Earthgirl painting it just occurred to me laugh out loud, when have lots of days to hike the next two weeks
I started tapping at simplenote in Summer 2020 and its limitations freed me with an archiving option tablets don’t have – I can’t do anything in it *but* type and tag then cut and paste and – here’s the key – abandon knowing I reread it in a horrible sans serif font I can’t change but can control + the screen so I can read it without squinting. I build the link grids in sheets, the part that’s me typed in simplenote
The grid I realized an attempt to replace the ink and watercolor straight lines intersecting at deliberately just plus or minus 90 degree angles, once I discovered posting photos into grid cells didn’t crash my free shitlord blogging platform but did allow just one post to front page at a time and the asshole in charge of brand marketing in my head said no can do
That’s right, here’s where I talk about Tony Hecht who taught me structure liberates, freedom constricts, I think this true, and though the haikus have dried up and I seem to be following no rules now and am content with content
In any case, I had no idea a year since I started gridding and never stopped and though hooweed through iterations but I see grids remaining until they don’t, I can’t imagine me thinking the bullets before the grid should replace the grid, I can’t imagine my eyesight improving to when I desire a smaller font (push me)

2021 October 17

Subaru hate and desperate I own a new Subaru
a base model 2022 Impreza sedan one of only two new cars available
plus Fitz did me right on the trade-in for fucked-up service on recall
Too, try walk into a car dealership and buy a new car, cash in hand
there will not be another new car in America until 2025
Bluetooth works there’s no CD-player
console not a casino slot machine
It made it to 70 on 270 today without shuddering

2021 October 7

Confirmed I don’t want to read Elkin now
Found a Bad Man on shelf on Tuesday
read with nostalgic tingling the opening chapters…
This has nothing to do with my least favorite cat
who will deliberately scratch out my left eye
before Lynn accidentally breaks my ankles
getting into bed is named after Stanley Elkin
Elkin is a garotte, I once loved in, now I’m out